30th day of March

This day marked the birth of someone who was very dear to my heart. Someone that I never imagined losing. Someone who I thought will forever stay with me.   

My childhood, confusing and short as it seems, was something that I loved the most. Knowing you as my Mommy Lits, the mother of my dad and also mine, was enough to make me curious about my family tree. Nevertheless I never bothered to understand or ask about it for I felt the love of  a mother, a father, a big brother, (from my older cousin) godparents and love from other relatives, or maybe I was just lucky for being the baby of the family. 


I never used the statement “I want more.” or “I want something else.” for you taught me to be contented with what I have. You taught me to not be materialistic and to value moments and memories instead; for the treasures in life are things that stay in your heart and mind; for real happiness is cherishing something that would randomly make you smile when you think about them; for everything isn’t always gained without hard work; for even though we have helpers we need to do things by ourselves and because helpers are also people and are part of the family. 


All these, I still remember Mommy Lits! When I close my eyes I would always see your face smiling at me. I can never deny that I miss you everyday. I miss hearing your voice, I miss seeing you, I miss eating with you, I miss going out with you, I miss telling you stories about the people that I’ve met in school or in the communities that I visited. I just I really miss you a lot. 


I really miss talking to you, I remember being so depressed because of losing you. I remember how I shut everyone out of my life, for I know I will be hurt again when they leave. I remember how I cry myself to sleep every night for not accepting the fact that I will never see you again. Ever since I saw you in the ICU, laying there in the bed, only given life by a machine made my heart break, piece by piece every day that I stay there. And when you left me completely, you brought my hope, courage and happiness with you. 


I became completely numb, became blinded by my sorrow that I never even thought about my father’s own grief of losing you, my friends reaching out to me, doing things to break the barrier that my sadness built. I became so scared to let people in my life, so scared of attachments knowing that in the end they will also leave and I will then again feel lost and hurt.


But I promise it won’t happen again Mommy Lits. Thank you for guiding me back, for reminding me the beauty of holding on to the memories that people leave behind. That even though they’re gone physically, they’re still alive in me, inside my heart and mind. For as long as you remember them, they will continue to live on. 


I still remember everything that you did for me, things that you taught me and places that you brought me to. I vaguely remember my childhood but the fragments before my accident and the whole ones after were the only proof that I need that you were always there for me.

Any grandchild would have been as lucky as myself for having you as their grandmother. 


I’m having a great time and I have met a lot of wonderful people Mommy Lits, I wish I could have introduced them to you. 😄



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