I have been in deep reflection over the past two months and realized how much of a sponge I am—being so affected by everyone and everything around me. Absorbing both positive and negative that come my way.

Over a year ago, people often classified me as one of the shy, silent, happy & free spirited people they knew in the university. Honestly, I try and do my hardest to be able to communicate properly to almost everyone when I started college, Which I kind of regretted because whenever I’m being my usual self, everyone would always ask me if I’m okay or not feeling well. It’s nice to see that people care however, sometimes I wonder if in this world we live in, only the loudness of sound or boldness of movements are the measures of one’s happiness. 

Yet all I ask is peace of mind and to be beside the person I loved dearly. I never really admitted to anyone that I was feeling depressed when they ask. However, giving it some thought, I wasn’t sure if I was. I would classify my emotions as rather longing, lost or just waiting for life to end itself. Sometimes, I close my eyes and wish they never open again. I wish to not be able to see this messed up life and just be with her wherever she might be. How I wish my creator knows how far I would go or how much I am willing to give up just to see her and hug her again. 

3 years have passed and I still feel the excruciating pain, the day we lost her, the day she finally left me in this world full of chaos. Not a day has passed that I never wished for me to go back in time and spend all of my time with her or for me to die and for her to live, because I know very well that she has more to do than I ever have or will. I know for sure that all of this confusion, fighting, and non-stop back stabbing, threats and bad mouthing wouldn’t happen. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been thankful for everyone who has entered my life but regardless how many and how much they mean to me, it can never be compared to the person I’ve loved and cherished dearly. 

I miss you so much. What hurts most is the idea of never seeing you again, never getting the chance to hug you or put me to sleep or even talking to you when I’m afraid or I have dream. 

Every night, I go up the roof deck or look outside. Looking at the night sky, the moon and the stars that we both love so much. Holding on to that wish that maybe one day, when I open my eyes I would be seeing you, dressed in your favorite color. And that would be the time that I would smile the brightest and run the fastest. The time where I’ll be alongside you again.

{Disclaimer: Featured Image Source: Google.com}


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